A pause before you send an angry message

The group chat says the meeting moved again, with no apology. Or a relative has sent a pointed remark about who did the cooking. You type a sharp reply and your thumb hovers.

You do not have to send it, and you do not have to pretend you are calm. You can make a small gap between the feeling and the action, and choose from there.

What is the gap made of?

Three things happen in quick order: an event, a feeling and an action. We tend to feel they are one thing, but they are separate.

Here are three low-stakes examples.

• Event: your housemate used your last tea bag again. Feeling: annoyed. Action choices: leave a sharp note, say nothing and sulk, or say “Can we share a shopping list?”
• Event: a colleague replied “ok” to your long email. Feeling: dismissed. Action choices: send a longer message, wait and see, or ask “Does this work for you?”
• Event: a cousin was late for the open house. Feeling: irritated. Action choices: tease them in front of everyone, or greet them and chat later.

The feeling is real in each case. The action is still a choice.

Does naming the feeling help?

Some researchers have looked at this in the laboratory. A 2007 brain-imaging study found that putting feelings into words was linked with calmer responses in a part of the brain tied to emotion¹. It was a small experiment, so treat it as a gentle hint, not a promise.

In daily life, naming simply gives you something to hold. “I feel annoyed” is shorter than the whole story.

Try this: a pen-and-paper pause

You need one minute and no app.

1. Put the phone face down.
2. Breathe in slowly, and breathe out for longer than you breathed in. Do this twice.
3. On paper, write: “Event: … Feeling: … What I want to happen: …”
4. Write the angry reply there if you like, and leave it unsent.
5. Choose one action: reply later, call, ask a question or say nothing for now.

Adapting it to your day

Stuck in traffic or at your desk? Count five things you can see before you type. Working in a language that is not your first? Draft the message in your own language first, then write the shorter version.

Can you pick a rule that suits you? Some people wait until after the next meal. Others wait ten minutes. Choose whatever you can keep.

If anger leads you to say or do things that frighten you or other people, it is fine to stop and talk to a doctor or counsellor. Our support page lists where to start.

Where to go next

For more on this split, read separating an emotion from the action you choose next. To put words to the feeling, try describing frustration without diagnosing yourself. If the same things keep setting you off, see noticing what happened before a difficult reaction.

The hub is emotions and self-kindness. The free slow breathing pacer can fill the pause.